Tuff times at the Sekret Mountain Hideaway!

We'd noticed scutboy hadn't been around in a few days. Not entirely unusual, but kinda odd as Major Motion wasn't around either.
I spoke to Nadine concerning unrelated matters concerning her ever larger growing herd of wildebeest, and she mentioned that scutboy had been ........ incarcerated.
Shut the Fuck up!
No, really. Seems there was this big misunderstanding and well, the PoPo had done him wrong. As had an ex girlfriend who evidently told the PoPo where to find him, seein' how he'd be a stealing from her and he had this outstanding warrant and all. Anyway,
Nadine mentions that he's not getting his day in court until the 24th., and that was a week away. Funny, I've dealt with hundreds of cases of folks being accused of much worse then 459'n some property and having an outstanding 'traffic' warrant, and they didn't stay at the GrayBar Hotel for a week until their court date. Bail is offered in most cases, don't cha' know. Ohh, that's right, cranksters don't have any money, or friends..........seems Rufus Redfeather was gonna be there for the duration.
What better time than to check out the humble abode. Now, I'd mentioned to Billy Rae and Nadine more than a few times that the behaviour associated with scutboy spelled trouble. Drugs said me, Nah, he's just having a rough time. Meth, I said, no, it's just a big misunderstanding says Nadine. After all, he does nice things with the weedWhacker, don't cha' know. Bullshit, said AgntW****, it's heroin and meth! (damn know it alls). Do the 3am deliveries of sticks and empty plastic buckets not mean anything to you? Nadine, seriously now, do normal people barter with used lumber and plastic containers.......at O'dark-thirty?
I checked the doors, of course they were unlocked. Especially after I tried the windows. AgntW**** and I walked cautiously in.......she was bright enough to bring latex gloves. *May might be masturbation month, but April was safe sex month, and she hadn't forgotten protection.
Anyway, after quickly pointing out the meth pipe, still loaded, on the divan, (it was actually on the cardboard box serving as a coffee table, but I've always wanted to use divan in a sentence)
she made haste for the bathroom wastebasket. ??? (she is a professional) There, in all the stupendous glory one could only find in a crankster's bathroom, she spied what she knew she'd find. Tin foil. Al U Min EE umm actually. (I've just spent the last two days with some really drunk Brits, so it's Al U Min EE umm, not aluminum) Heroin bindles, used of course, and lot's of them. Foil is the handy transport/cooking medium. She then spied his 'kit'. Assorted heroin extras....kinda like the 'sport option' in the drug world.
That the house was something out of a horror movie isn't a stretch. But enough about that, the nightmares are only now receding.
Billy Rae and Nadine were still gone, so I explored some more myself the next day. Ummmmm, a whole room full of 'electronic equipment', as in used stereos. Quite the audiophile, no doubt. Cranksters are well known for their electronic prowness.
Cut to the chase, Nadine and Billy Rae came home Sunday. I had a serious talk, and before they could object, I whipped out a baggie, (ZipLock, 1/2 quart) with a crank pipe, and a loaded single hit prayer pipe, (weed/heroin infused cotton) that was in Major Motion.
They were agahst. I'd told them it was gonna get worse, a lot worse. We took a walk over to the house, where I artfully stretched on my latex gloves (GO DEEP PERKINS!) and went inside. I explained the use of the meth pipe, the heroin kit, the various wadded balls of burnt foil about, and uhh.........and the ................and the paper bag full of womens panties, in the bathroom. (that was a little weird, if not completely awkward)
They got the message.
Scutboy gets outta CJ today.
He's getting served later today.
There is a god.
Bye scutboy, don't let the door hit you in the butt.

More later

Stuck with a Needle !!! UniformTango has been tagged

WAFFO !! Stuck with a needle? That's just wrong. On all levels. The Lord of the Flies phoned me of late yesterday and told me he'd been pronged the wrong way whilst doing manual labour.

Life's a bitch sometimes.....but a needle in the grass? Isn't the needle supposed to be in the haystack? Cleaning outside, comes across a used hype by way of shock and awe. Oopsie....what's that thing sticking outta my hand? Uhh oh. That's gonna leave a mark.

He phoned while waiting in the ER to find out what to do about it. Although not superficially a grievious injury.....the possibilities....especially the mental ones are endless . That's the problem.

We wish him the best. Although there is not a friend I've known longer in my lifetime......if he succumbs.................I got dibs on his Alfa.

Just sayin' that's all.

May is National Masturbation Month !!!, Really !

If I have to be duckless in Ohio, at least I don't have to be..........uhhh, nevermind.

Lucky for me, a quick phone home to talke to AgntW**** reminded me that May is in fact, National Masturbation month.

God bless Amerika. With a C.

Better get to work now

There's no Fucking Duck in Ohio.......just sayin', that's all

According to my ticket, 1673 miles, plus the additional mileage from San Jose to Phoenix. Have you ever been to Phoenix? I have. Today in fact. I know Arizona. I like Arizona, a lot.
Phoenix 'aint Arizona. Just sayin', that's all.

All the way to Columbus friggin Ohio. Yeah !!! home of the.....' insert nauseating midwestern reference here' . I've been here before. In worse times. January, and then again in Feburary. Not a nice place Ohio, in the winter.

Alas, there was one thing that made it tolerable. The Hilton in Columbus. For all the chain hotels of the world, this one does it right. Not the chain, (I've stayed in 3 Hilton's in the last 2 months), but the one at Easton in Columbus. They did it right, until today.

There is no fucking duck in Ohio, or to the point, at the Easton Hilton, in Columbus Ohio. There was last winter. I even took pictures.

Succulent medallions of rare Muscovey duck breast, lightly braised in Marsala wine, rosemary, and honey. Done to perfection and served with ...................something else. I really don't remember. I'd have to look at the pictures. It was worth coming back to Columbus for. When they changed our location from Hilton Head South Kackalackee to here, I consoled myself with the thoughts that at least I'd see my favorite hotel dish again.

It was not to be. Bastards. I hate Ohio.

Fuck Ohio.

Just sayin', that's all

Crankster test

General Crankster/Handyman Math proficiency Test
Name:__________________________
Gang:__________________________

1. Joe has an old truck, but only 3 wheels. Bob has 2 trucks, with a total of 8 wheels. How many wheels must Joe steal from Bob's truck(s) so that he can drive off before the landlord comes home?

2. Jose has 2 grams of meth and he sells an 1 gram to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the crank if he doesn't cut it? Bonus: If Jose only had 2 grams to begin with but just sold 3 grams---is Willie gonna come lookin' for him because Jose just sold the gram he was holding for Willie as partial payment for Bob's missing chainsaw?

3. If Rufus owns a bent shovel, but 'sells' it to Willie as sureity for the 2 grams of crank Willie fronted him, but Willie really needs a gasoline powered weed whacker for the day job he just procured, and 'sells' Rufus back the bent shovel, in exchange for the weed whacker (which he really, really needs today), then Rufus now 'owns' his bent shovel again. Is it really his, especially if he still owes Willie for the original 2 grams of crank?

4. Rufus RedFeather has 4 bundles of blue tarp, and 2 bundles of white tarp. How many add-ones can he make to his home if he needs to save 1 bundle of blue tarps for his friend Willie, whom he owes for the 2 bundles of white tarp and the assorted sticks and boards he delivered at 1am Tuesday?

5. Rufus has in the back of his truck: 1 garbage can lid, 3 pieces of wood, 1/2 roll of baling wire, various pieces of cardboard, and 2 5 gallon plastic containers. How many more various sundry items must Rufus collect to convince people that he's been out 'workin' on jobs' and stuff?

6. Raoul is in CJ for 6 months for selling meth. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many cans of paint must Willie steal to complete the sign he is making for not having to pay part of his rent?

8. If a weed whacker will whack 7 metric feet of weeds in 5 minutes, how many days will it take the Crankster to whack 3 metric feet of weeds?

9. It's Sunday afternoon. You're really, really tore up. Willie can't make it over until 9:20pm. Things aren't going well. You faintly hear the far off rattle of a diesel engine churning its way up the hill. What is your best course of action:a. turn off all lights and pretend you're not homeb. immediately pull on hooded sweatshirt and make a dash for the truck.c. immediately pull on hooded sweatshirt and grab the weed whacker, run outside and put on a show of attempting to 'get the dang thing running again.

10. Rufus was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to the reservation, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

Little old raisin...

Gotta love some folks,

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small high school in central Ontario. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the local Home for the Aged. My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome. My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it. Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine. I told her to fuck off. God bless you. Sincerely, Edna Johnson