Security levels

I've had to do quite a bit of business flying lately. Few things are as cumbersome as the Federal 'security alert levels'. Each week, some seemingly random group of tight suits in a tank somewhere comes up with a change in the security alert status.

Das vasser is verbotten! You can have only 3oz. You have 4, now get away from my line! Schnell !

Then there's the TSA. Ummmboy! Talk about losers who chouldn't make it as rent a cops. Your tired, your feet hurt, your laptop weighs twice what it did an hour ago.........now you have to deal with the TSA. Enter 'Linda' size 18, bad dyke haircut, attitude. If Jabba the Hut were ever to try to squeeze into a white polyester blouse with little epauletts, this is a close picture. She has the aire of authority, now that she's in uniform and all. Besides, the IHOP gig just wasnt working for her.
But I digress, so as not to miss offending anyone, there's the Filipino Consortium. Small herds of 70 year old blue haired raisins with maroon jackets, bad teeth, and a total incomprehension of the English language. She'll have a look at your boarding pass now Mr. Al Mohammed el Gwarafi.
The security level is now at 'Burnt Sienna', kinda between orange and dark umber. Mmmmkay.

The following was sent via e-mail about the European situation. Guess we have it good here!

Subject: European Threat Alerts


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great
fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.