Mother Nature wants a piece of me
Actually, a lot of pieces. I got a chance to play Paul Bunyan this weekend. Tree branch needs to come off. Simple. Logic dictates to have someone versed in the culling of flora to be contacted. Simple.
At issue is a rather large oak tree hanging over the deck of my house. After consulting Tanniers Guide on the internet, I'd guestimate about 4700 lbs of oak tree. Thats just the part overhanging the deck.
It's not a new thing. It's been mocking me for some years now. When the wind blows, it sways, but hasn't broken. Not that part anyhow. The other half (not overhanging the deck) mocked me good last winter. With a splendid crack, it broke off. As if to say....I've more where that came from. Problem is, it does. It hangs menacingly over the BBQ Emporium. If its not going to overtly crash down and squash me, it's going to litter the deck with as many leaves, moss, and sticks as it can. It's a dirty tree. A damned dirty tree.
Billie Rae and Nadine aren't any help either. God forbid it might cost money to have it removed. Instead I'm treated on a yearly basis of a chapter of an ongoing drama. (cue banjo music)....Cletus (Billie Rae) walks over and scratches a grizzled chin. There is a singular look of consternation on his face. (Northwoods Maine accent, think Pepperidge Farms....) Yawwp...dat treeees a gotta come out.......yawwwp. Dangerous havin' dem things about....yawwp.
Okay, thanks Billie Rae, see ya next year !!!
Yawwp.
Faced with a growing danger and the simple inability to not get filthy, I drew up a plan. I did what any MAN with a large amount of testoic fortitude would do. I went out and spent a buttload of money. It's the 'Merican way. Yawwwp!
Several hundred dollars later, I came home armed with the latest hi-tech de-forrestation devices. There were long pointy blades with teeth. There were other things that would amputate the hardest wood with the pull of a ballistic nylon cord, attached to a reverse pinion lever mech, that in turn applied a double sided angular pressure that increased with lever pull by a factor of 6! Were talking physics. Science. Zen and the art of killing that fucking tree.
The moment of truth came a few days later. Actually, there would be many moments of truth, but the first was the more stoic of the 15-20 that came along shortly afterwards. I was 40 feet in the air dangling by an inexpensive Ace Hardware cord, perched on Billie Rae's rickety 'I shoulda burned this fowa scrap, yawwp' ladder.
I was faced with the stark realization that my high tech, high dollar, highly dangerous orange tree killer thingy, high altitude perch, was sufficient for little more than pruning Jill's tomatoes growing down on the deck. And to make matters worse, I was still 40 feet off the ground and according to the instructions (which I always read) was supposed to start making long push-pulling motions with the thing. I knew my fate right then, and it didn't involve dangerous acrobatics 40 feet up in the air. I needed an edge. A man's edge.
I needed gasoline powered equipment. Large, cumbersome, highly dangerous, highly effective whirling Dervishes of Death to Trees! I realized that if I have to be perched 40 feet in the air, I may as well add some chainsaws to the mix...
At issue is a rather large oak tree hanging over the deck of my house. After consulting Tanniers Guide on the internet, I'd guestimate about 4700 lbs of oak tree. Thats just the part overhanging the deck.
It's not a new thing. It's been mocking me for some years now. When the wind blows, it sways, but hasn't broken. Not that part anyhow. The other half (not overhanging the deck) mocked me good last winter. With a splendid crack, it broke off. As if to say....I've more where that came from. Problem is, it does. It hangs menacingly over the BBQ Emporium. If its not going to overtly crash down and squash me, it's going to litter the deck with as many leaves, moss, and sticks as it can. It's a dirty tree. A damned dirty tree.
Billie Rae and Nadine aren't any help either. God forbid it might cost money to have it removed. Instead I'm treated on a yearly basis of a chapter of an ongoing drama. (cue banjo music)....Cletus (Billie Rae) walks over and scratches a grizzled chin. There is a singular look of consternation on his face. (Northwoods Maine accent, think Pepperidge Farms....) Yawwp...dat treeees a gotta come out.......yawwwp. Dangerous havin' dem things about....yawwp.
Okay, thanks Billie Rae, see ya next year !!!
Yawwp.
Faced with a growing danger and the simple inability to not get filthy, I drew up a plan. I did what any MAN with a large amount of testoic fortitude would do. I went out and spent a buttload of money. It's the 'Merican way. Yawwwp!
Several hundred dollars later, I came home armed with the latest hi-tech de-forrestation devices. There were long pointy blades with teeth. There were other things that would amputate the hardest wood with the pull of a ballistic nylon cord, attached to a reverse pinion lever mech, that in turn applied a double sided angular pressure that increased with lever pull by a factor of 6! Were talking physics. Science. Zen and the art of killing that fucking tree.
The moment of truth came a few days later. Actually, there would be many moments of truth, but the first was the more stoic of the 15-20 that came along shortly afterwards. I was 40 feet in the air dangling by an inexpensive Ace Hardware cord, perched on Billie Rae's rickety 'I shoulda burned this fowa scrap, yawwp' ladder.
I was faced with the stark realization that my high tech, high dollar, highly dangerous orange tree killer thingy, high altitude perch, was sufficient for little more than pruning Jill's tomatoes growing down on the deck. And to make matters worse, I was still 40 feet off the ground and according to the instructions (which I always read) was supposed to start making long push-pulling motions with the thing. I knew my fate right then, and it didn't involve dangerous acrobatics 40 feet up in the air. I needed an edge. A man's edge.
I needed gasoline powered equipment. Large, cumbersome, highly dangerous, highly effective whirling Dervishes of Death to Trees! I realized that if I have to be perched 40 feet in the air, I may as well add some chainsaws to the mix...
posted by cmdrpiffle at 11:09 AM
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